Posting temporarily from San Francisco while undergoing treatment for stage 2 breast cancer.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

God Speaks


I answered you out of a thundercloud
Psalm 81:7

After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a gentle whisper. . . 
I Kings 19:12


I feel like His voice is coming to me right now in a thundercloud

 How about you?  Is Gods voice a whisper or a thundercloud?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

False Empathy


Thankful no one has treated me this way. . .

Friday, July 10, 2009

Fridays Fave Five



Its been a week of recovery for me, lots of time on the couch after my next-to-the-last chemo, but I still have plenty to be thankful for.

1. Walks along the American River. I'm kind of afraid to walk alone because I'm so dizzy
after chemo, but Bob has been making the time to go with me for 2 short walks a day.

2. Watermelon. I just can't seem to get enough of it this year. I also can't get over that all the watermelons here are seedless, I used to the ones full of seeds in Paraguay.

3. Library. Keeps me supplied with all the books I can read. . . . and more!

4. Netflix. We got a free 3 month trial and have been enjoying lots of movies and TV series. We especially like to watch Monk. Helps
distract me during the sick times.

5. A tree outside my bedroom. For some reason I find the shadows and little bits of light that it lets through the window soothing. And it helps keep the room cool!

Susanne has more favs

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Ice Still Getting Used to It

Since I'm not drinking much coffee these days, part of my morning routine is making ice. I need my drinks to be cold to tolerate them, so each morning I pop out the trays and fill new ones.


This morning, in a slight chemo disorientation and ativan haze, I began searching for the filtered water to fill the ice cube trays with. I had all the empty ice cube trays out and was looking for the pitcher of filtered water that has sat on my counter for the last twenty years that I have lived in Latin America.

Not finding it, I assumed Bob had taken it somewhere. So I looked for the filter. . . no filter either. Suddenly I had a flashback to a time when my sister was visiting and she tried to fill the ice cube trays from the tap. I must have reacted strongly because she startled and dropped the trays on that day seven years ago in Paraguay. Thats when I dropped back into reality.

Half a life of using filtered water is entrenched in my routine. When a guest asks for water, I feel weird giving it to them from the tap (and we have good water here). Something is missing because I don't have any water related routines. . . in Peru we boiled our water, later we tried bottled water (which turned out to be contaminated) and finally we went to filtering our own water. But every day involved sessions of filling pitchers and bottles of water to keep a supply on hand, especially when we had guests.

I kind of miss my water filtering routine. Routines are comforting. Seeing my fridge full of clean filtered water and another clean pitcher on the counter made me feel productive, like I was doing something beneficial for my family.

On the other hand, clean water from the tap is easy. Very easy.

I think I'll get used to it eventually ;)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Computer Kitty

See the ears peaking around the screen?

The paw batting at the keyboard?

The computer is his nemesis because it occupies the hands that are meant to pet him :)

See more Wordful Wednesdays at Angies

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Cheryls Almond Granola for TMTT

When my kids were in high school, they went away to boarding school because the city we lived in (in Trujillo, Peru) did not have an adequate place to prepare them for university in the US.  I missed them a lot, but usually really never went more than about seven weeks without seeing them.  Along the way they picked up some good recipes from the mom in the dorm where they lived (they lived in the same dorm, being brother and sister).  This granola recipe is one of them.


Dry ingredients
6 cups corn flakes
6 cups oats
1 cup wheat germ
3/4 cups bran flakes
2 cups chopped almonds
1 cup coconut

Wet
3/4 cup honey
3/4 cup oil

Bring oil and honey to a boil and pour over dry ingredients.  Place on 2 greased cookie sheets and bake for 30 minutes @ 300 stirring every 5 minutes.  Stir in raisins or other dry fruit after removing from oven.  You can add flax, cinnamon or sunflower seeds.  

More recipes here.

Picture by pcarpen

Monday, July 6, 2009

Symptom Management Clinic


                                     Have you ever gone to a doctors appointment that you felt would just be a waste of time?  


Thats how I felt last Wednesday as I drove alone from Sacramento to San Francisco to an appointment for a symptom management clinic.  I felt perhaps I had been referred because I was a "bad patient", someone who could not handle chemo well (which I acknowledge to be true some of the time).  

I sat in the waiting room filling out the survey of my symptoms and emotional state, waiting the obligatory hour at UCSF (the only negative I have found in their service), I got to the last question on the form referring to my cancer treatment, "sense of peace".  I put that I am 100% at peace, because I am.  You've all read why on this blog.  But I wondered if they would believe me.

I've quit wearing a wig very often and have sort of gotten used to the funny looks that a scarf and a hat get when I got out in public.  But as I walked into the consult, it was my turn to try and disguise the surprise.  The doctor was missing his left arm below the elbow and his left leg.

I wanted to ask why but I didn't.   

Suddenly the appointment took on another light.  I perceived him to be more compassionate (after all, he has suffered) and I listened very carefully to all he had to say.  He introduced himself by his first name and then he carefully listened to all of my sufferings.  One by one, down the list.

One person sat and listened to all that I had been going through.  It was an overall assessment of my care.  After listening, he did some teaching (I need to walk more, among other things) and then changed my meds, wrote my some new Rx and gave me hope that I could get through the last 2 chemos.  

The social worker participated for part of the appointment and as she left she said to me, "I can't get over the peace you have in this process.  We just don't see that."  The doctor, indicating the kleenex box in the middle of his table said, "most people don't get through this interview, I can see that your faith and the support of your friends, family and church have done a lot for you".  

100% at peace.  Yup, they believed me.